So I’ve been thinking a great deal lately about depression, chemical imbalances, and why emotion is so taboo even today. I have it so irrevocably beaten into me that feeling is bad and that I am worthless that I still feel like I will never deserve love. It doesn’t matter that the logical part of my brain realizes these thoughts are illogical and says “Stop it!” Because the downward spiral always circles in on itself. It is the Ouroboros and there is no escaping your own gaping mouth.
I’m not sure if I’ve got a chemical imbalance. I know I was “clinically depressed” for the first two years of high school. Suicidal off and on for about eight years now. I’ve been an alcoholic. I’ve smoked both cigarettes and pot. I’ve jumped from unsuccessful relationship to unsuccessful relationship in trying to outrun the bad thoughts, but they always catch up with me.
The only advice I can myself or anyone else is to talk. If only to yourself, but preferably someone else that isn’t a family member or friend. A priest, a trusted teacher, or someone you feel can give you an honest, unbiased opinion. Hell, call one of those stupid hotlines. They’re not always stupid. For a long time, I ignored everything. I coped like a hobbling, burned, and bruised plague victim wandering through life half-dead. I did what I had to do to survive. And now I’m paying the price for that. For cutting off my emotions. For locking away memories tied to hurt and knowledge. For creating a disparity in myself. And that’s something I’m working on forgiving myself for because it’s okay. It’s okay to need help. To need and want love.
Everyone deserves it. Even the horrible people. We all hurt someone at some point. We all hurt ourselves at some point. But we can’t just lie down and take it. Yes, it’s okay to sit in a corner and cry to yourself for a little while, but you can’t make that your home. You can’t let sadness consume you because there are so many more things to life, the world, and its people.
When books and video games lose their fervor or your friends are all out of town, when your parents simply won’t hear your side, or your significant other turns away from you in the night, take a breath. Examine your emotions and understand them; don’t try to push them down or logic your way out of feeling them. Embrace them. Even if that means losing a few people in the process. Even if it means losing everything that seems dear.
I assure you what lingers will be of far more worth than what you’ve lost.